ECHOMAZE : 2017-05-31 The Gifts That Have Been Waiting To Come

Why it’s important to maybe say whatever you’ve been afraid to say?

Because until you do you may never be really you.

I discovered this recently having exposed the truth of losing my family to a disorder. Such a strange crossroads to come to and tho I don’t think everything about yourself should be transparent to everyone. I do believe (having just experienced it) that to carry the burden of a loss such as this in a confused secret (which is the calling card narcissism ) was too much for me to do any longer. Imagine losing your family and on top of that having to keep it quiet. It’s too much. Not to mention having to break down the endless funhouse spider web mirror echo maze dance of illusions that the disorder sets up on purpose to make anyone who speaks on it sound like a nut case. The ONLY way to defend yourself and tell a measured account of your side of things is to at first heal for long enough so that you don’t just come off as a complete basket case. Maybe if I continue this blog, in the future I can share earlier writings from the initial emergence of my awareness of what was happening to me and what others were intentionally doing. (Which at the time I simply could not believe) I went about studying this disorder every which way but loose. That turned out to be an incredible gift tho because nothing has motivated me TO STUDY like waking up to NPD. And the side affect of “learning” was to reawaken the high pleasure of that. Thru studying some science which Joe Dispenza calls The modern day language of the mystical. Because people don’t put walls up as much when discussing science as they do when religion comes to the fore. I learned that when you learn new things you create many new pathways in the brain. The time to learn is always. And it’s a gas. But back to keeping all this to myself. The weight was doing me more harm than I knew. (Another calling card of the disorder.) It does it’s damage behind the scenes and the only evidence it leaves is usually the outbursts of the victims. I went from being very grounded to in a cell, when the final straw came down on my back. And that’s when I knew I needed to get safe. That’s when I knew that to stay in this abusive circle was to bring about certain destruction and death. I set about in the business of liberation full time soon after that. Which brings me to my last point in this short post, which is this. My airing this out isn’t an offensive. It’s defensive and it’s my only defense. In the short time since I took this plunge Ive come to know fuller aspects of my self/spirit, as they simply emerge. I could walk more upright. I could look anyone in the eyes without fear or aggression and the response in my environment is palpable. Your environment is central to your health and ability to fully express yourself. And by environment I’m speaking mainly (only) about your internal environment. When you let yourself be seen and heard you honor the universe within you. And when you do that new insights come thru. You release blocked energy and you allow the universe to finally give you the gifts that have been waiting to come.


ECHOMAZE : 2017-05-30 Where The Dreamer Finds The Dream

I took my first Qi gong baggua class today with an old friend I ran into randomly at a gathering. Riding my bike trying to overcome fear, or my bodies memory of the past. Trying to elevate my mind and then emotions, breathing mantras in and out. Something I learned watching videos on Buddhism. I make em up. Mixing words like healing, gratitude, flowing, affluence, giving, loving. Etc. sometimes for fun I’ll throw in sexy and beautiful

But today somehow, my usual and lucky ease into the higher realms, became an old door with a handle that sticks and rust on the hinges. I could still get thru but it wasn’t easy and the fear was nipping at my heals. I asked the infinite space in my body and the blue and white light between my eyes for a sign and just then (and I mean just then) the bell on my phone went off. Or rather rung and it was a friend I was happy to hear from , and so I picked up , still riding on my way to an Indian restaurant I like in manhattan. A place I go that’s out of the way on purpose, to give me distance to ride too. The plan was eat alone and watch YouTube clips then ride myself back in the night hoping to have put the boogie man to bed. But my friend had other ideas and soon I was elsewhere in Brooklyn and then in a sauna in a backyard next to a hot tub and in the company of some beautiful sorts. It’s incredible the turn around. I explained to giggles. Only in New York to go out on a bike ride and end up in a hot tub. The best part was seeing an old friend which led to a chi gon class today. A circular movement fighting form. An Inner martial art. I can’t wait to take another class. I think the next one is in a park.

What’s the point of the sauna bk hot tub and then chi gon story. Is this. I got the sign I needed.

And the love.

Working on the meditations by dr. Joe

He says the universe will show you it’s working in ways you won’t see coming. And you won’t see them coming cause you are activating the realm of infinite possibilities. If you can’t necessarily manifest a specific event. You can at least start to manifest events more to your liking. Living in creation rather than survival.

It’s so interesting to me how much narcissistic abuse operates in a way directly and sort of inversely to how meditation operates.

What makes for a good victim of NPD abuse also makes for a good manifester of an alternate reality. Namely susceptibility to suggestion. Some people are more analytical (which would be a big advantage when defending yourself against a toxic individual however not so great for meditation, where as people who are more prone to suggestion and less analytical (ding ding ding I’ll have my prize now) can be much more open to people’s manipulation (particularly when you consider just how underhanded some of those tactics are. Embedded language anyone? Dark side NLP , good ole garden variety gas lighting,

On and on)

Which brings me to this odd flip side of the therapeutic coin that NPD abuse seems to endlessly be.

And it goes a little something like this. …

Hit it!!

I have a laundry list of great behaviors I’m currently engaging in,

And before you chastise me for bragging, allow me to explain some of their origins. Mainly, it was in learning about the covert tactics NPD abuse uses to function. I became convinced of the validity of all that I’m engaged in now by be broken by it’s opposite.

And this is where NPD betrays itself as an endless avenue of darkness ,pain , destruction and death. If you escape it’s claws, the therapeutic resource it provides, is endless and vivid. Not to mention a master class on survival and how to take care of yourself. That is if you know where to look .

It may take you quite awhile to see it. I mean before you can even begin, you’ll need to crawl out of the four tons of debris and bones piled up on top of you from the atomic explosion the narc set off in your life. A kind of favor in and of itself (again if you survive) some lives need a hitting of the reset button. Mine did.

When learning of how you became a victim of this form of manipulation, you start realizing it’s like looking at a photo negative of a book on how to live right. As you go thru all the different forms and tactics your mind flashes on points of manipulation (what was done and said etc. )

And what becomes crystal clear (at least to me) was the power of suggestion and how so much of the wearing down of their victim revolves in this sphere. For those of us who have been too clouded to ever fully understand or appreciate the ability we have to manifest our own reality. Well the NPD experience,as horrific as it is, is a kind of late in the day, Hail Mary pass , boobie prize version , of a reverse masterclass in transforming scraps, into a vision.

Now in the case of a relationship with a psychopath, that vision is gonna be theirs. and the thing you are gonna transform into is a shadow of your former self so full of spiritual poison you are like a walking ghost.

But after you survive all that. And that infection of a being is gone, and you are healing and healed. And find yourself with huge resources of space and time (another common off shoot of the dilemma) the lesson sinks in (and sinks in hard. ) Amongst the supposed embarrassment of realizing you’d been duped is the hard to ignore neon sign that reads IF A MONSTER COULD TURN YOU INTO A MONSTER FROM OUTSIDE OF YOUR OWN MIND. WHAT COULD YOU, if you got conscious and healthy, TURN YOURSELF INTO FROM INSIDE YOUR OWN MIND.

You’ve already seen and been to what the dark side of the equation looks like so why not check out its reverse? Couple that with the motivation that you have now , from having one or more people gunning for your health, both mental and physical. Which is another area of interest, they target your health. I know that sounds beyond strange. Hell, to people who have no (or light) experience with this disorder the whole thing sounds strange. It’s strangeness is also vital to its operation. Because to describe it to the uninformed, its hard to believe. But nothing gets you as motivated to really take care of yourself as to know that someone who deeply betrayed you is rooting for you to treat yourself like shit. And by like “shit” I mean is rooting for you to do yourself in.

Somehow that steals the sexy out of the fucked up artist myth.

When I got home I watched ‘Joshua’ on Netflix. The story of the teenage kid who became the face of protest in Hong Kong and then China. Incredibly moving if you haven’t seen it. According to Dr. Joe there are five types of motivation. Going from highest to lowest, in terms of power, we have at the top of the food chain, purpose motivation, duty motivation, mission motivation. This is what Joshua tapped into and galvanized a movement ,which was first simply to prevent Beijing from implementing its B.S. national school regime into the freer thinking Hong Kong. Joshua stood up to the thought police.

People can be dangerous when you try to interfere with their ability to think freely.

Interestingly NPD abuse is all about controlling thoughts and emotions in others. And so now

I feel that sense of purpose motivation when it comes to sharing my journey of survival from this. It’s a strange gift when you have that sense of purpose. It usually doesn’t come easy and there is likely to be sacrifice along the way, but when you are living out of a sense of purpose, no second gets wasted, and every breath gets appreciated and there is a connection with something greater than yourself urging you on. Giving you the signs when you need them. A sauna and a hot tub.

The other four motivations are as follows. Coming in at number two is personal conviction, self starter, and entrepreneurial motivation.

Number three.

Ethics, Morality based motivation.

Number four.

Ego centered motivation

And number five. At the bottom of the motivational food chain. The least powerful is

Drum roll please!!!

Can you guess?

I bet you can ….


Money motivation.

These aren’t listed in terms of bad and good. They’re listed in terms of power. Meaning how powerful you are at manifesting is related to where your motivation is coming from and will be effective in relation to this scale according to the good doctor Joe Dispenza.

As my life bottomed out I’d say I operated primarily from number five. Not that I ever made art purely for that or wrote songs just to make money but I lapsed into a mode of survival rather than creation which comes as a result of living from guilt shame stress and fear. It’s a dangerous but easy spiral to get into. And even without toxic people, you need to make money to live and that induces stress. If you get into debt you start taking gigs which become less about building a career and more about making rent. If you allow that cycle to continue, then your joy fades, the work suffers, your motivation is wrong and your ability to turn it back around gets lost. You start thinking that you’ll make enough to get on your feet and then start operating from a higher place again. But that plan doesn’t work because your ability to actually create change is so greatly reduced by stress. And by where you’re coming from. In order to change you have to start imagining and feeling a different reality for yourself. You have to let go for awhile and go on faith.

Personally I don’t think it can really be done until you are broken and basically nothing works anymore. People can change. I know that now. but I’m not so sure people can change until they need to. Dr Joe always “why wait?” It makes me giggle every time.

Do narcs know this or are they unconsciously targeting the exact area which prevents you from connecting to the light? (Incidentally Narcs supposedly can’t access their frontal lobes which explains their lack of empathy. Dr Joes work is basically all about operating from primarily the frontal lobes. The area of the brain where compassion and vision learn to dance.

Just like in the jungle if you are in the presence of a predator your stress hormones will activate like a motherfucker and you will hopefully find safety. But if you are in a relationship or relationships with toxic people, they are either covertly or overtly engaging your stress response nearly all the time. Which has the exact same effect as if you were in a jungle with a lion. You become addicted to the stress hormones (which are highly addictive) and you become used to living from a place of fear and survival. If you were raised in that environment , then that feeling is also home and feels (insanely) like a cozy blanket of love rather than what it really is… A completely limiting structure from which to operate. A structure that is all the time wearing down, and wearing you down with it. And as you weaken…well… the attacks get harsher and harsher and your ability to defend yourself in anyway against them lessens and lessens until you are broken.

Which brings me back to that flip side of the therapeutic coin I was speaking on earlier.

Now that you’ve survived. You’ve had a first hand account of just how destructive and dangerous stress actually is. And you also find it odd and curious just how dedicated these abusive types are to engaging that stress. I guess it’s not that odd. People are easy to control when they’re afraid. Not so easy when they’re not. But regardless of all that, you’ve seen the destruction of stress. You become quite passionate about finding ways to find its opposite.

In fact really, they give you a fun house blue print of how to live a near perfect life. I was clueless before. Adrift for sure. Hell if you’ve lived with psychopath for a year and survived. You have a doctoral degree in survival and how to live life to the fullest. You just gotta know how to see it. I wonder if they know this consciously or if they are just bots from the dark side? Either way the end result is what I’d consider to be a spiritual war. Those who can still access dreams and compassion and the ability to manifest beautiful things being targeted by those who cannot and who have a gauge on just that area of connection. Where the dreamer finds the dream. You gotta protect your dream even more than the dreamer and learn to follow the dream even when the dreamer is gone.


ECHOMAZE : 2017-05-29 Me, Wilson and Dr. Joe

I feel like Tom Hanks in cast away, right when he decides to push off his island with his raft made of coconut shells and scraps from the jungle, with his volleyball bff ‘Wilson’ after just clearing the big wave which sets him adrift.

I think we all decide to stay in the safety of our isolation to some degree or another.

And there are of course as many different versions of that reality as there are people. You can expose or give much of yourself while still avoiding what mainly you must give. The thing that really scares you.

I can’t stress enough how beneficial Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work is. The latest book is called You Are The Placebo and it really breaks down in scientific terms how transformation in humans actually occurs. So it serves to demystify meditation which I think is really helpful. Consider your stem cells which are like the blank canvas of cells, which , if you can get past your ego , or the Beta and Alpha and into the Theta (which isn’t as supernatural an accomplishment as I had previously thought and with practice it not only gets easier it gets really fun)

but just to paint how it’s possible to even change your body with your mind, consider stem cells. I think I heard Dr. Bruce Lipton compare them to a get out of jail free card. (Another great mind in this area of manifesting a freer more transparent more open and giving and receiving reality. Doc Bruce. )But anyway stem cells are essentially blank slates waiting to receive the message of what they’re going to become from you. And your thoughts. If you think of yourself as old and worn out. And you repeat that to yourself and others. Well you are then telling all those stem cells that they are old and tired. If you can make meditation a big part of your day and or practice and then imagine your ideal world and physical self. It won’t just be magical thinking happening but you will be actually imprinting a new reality into your new cells which are always replacing old ones. Anyway that’s a laymen explanation but for me knowing the science behind it makes the practice of it more powerful because I understand even from my most pragmatic self why this type of work is well worth doing.

Dr Joe talks about how he discovered this realm and obsessive passion for transformation and always finishes the story with “my message is why wait?”

And I find it extremely endearing and smile and then proceed to have my imaginary debate with the saintly Doc Joe.

the debate goes like this…

first you need to know how dr Joe discovered this.

He got hit by a truck. While

training or competing in a triathlon. He broke six or more vertebrae and was told he would be unable to walk again.

He discovered this method of reprogramming his mind and changing his body. Changing himself on fundamental levels and essentially becoming someone else. He documented and studied the science behind it to liberate it from the new age ghetto. And he became a more authentic version of himself born out of his core values and ideals.

He did the “impossible ” and healed himself completely. His book is full of others who have done the same. All of which have reached a point where the circumstances of their situation got so dire that to trade in the normally impossibly seductive material plane for the more remote and at first daunting isolation of the spiritual plane became something they were willing and needing to do in order to survive. Dr Joe. (Who is basically my hero at this point, along with Muhammad Ali and Jaco) always and I mean always says in interviews. ‘My message is why wait?’ And then that’s when I say “come on now Dr. Joe , who else is gonna allow themselves to die and be reborn to themselves other than people who have no other choice? He still has never commented back. But Wilson agrees with me.


ECHOMAZE : 2017-05-28 All That You Must Do

I won’t silence my voice and how about you don’t silence yours. Let’s let the truth define us and skip the other chores. There really is no difference In between what’s mine or yours.

There is no game to play or any evening of scores.

There’s only light and love

And then The demon fear of course,

But I won’t silence my voice and how about you don’t silence yours.

I’ve been “no contact” with my immediate family since last Christmas with a quite a build up of dysfunction before which built up to it. The story of how it all happened is one for another time. But it comes complete with an m. Night Sha Alan twist which will keep the audiences gasping when I finish up my screenplay. But I digress.

The decision to now be open about this comes with great concern and concentration and thought. Meditation. And what I come to. What I get told by my connection with my higher self is simply this. It’s the only choice.

Let’s completely wipe away questions of guilt blame and who did what. And just focus on this. Imagine yourself becoming orphaned in the world but then imagine the extra weight of all that when you are meant to or sort of expected by society to keep things like that to yourself. It’s certainly what you are programmed to believe when raised in a household run by a narcissist.

I’ve lived with this burden for about a half year. The lead up to that was a period of personal devastation I had previously never experienced due to being involved with a real genuine psychopath.

To give you the cliff notes version. That broke my life down. Lead me to the discovery of npd abuse and all it’s many forms. Which lead me to making posts about it, which made every narc in my life (I guess) think I was speaking on them which lead to some incredible behavior from them which I could no longer ignore and then imagine a thunderstorm of gasoline over your life and then imagine lighting a match.

The thing about npd abuse is it forces your charActer into actions that are unnatural to itself. Such as this. This exposure is the perfect example.

You think I like this choice?

You think I signed up for it?

Was this the rock n roll dream?

No I did not. I’m faced with this being my ONLY healthy choice for MANY reason.

Here’s one for you. There are/were/are children in my life I care a great deal for.

They’ve been told some reason why I’m no longer present. I hardly think they’ve been told an honest reason. I suspect there’s been more than just whisperings or “concern” about my mental health.

How does one ostrisized fro a family unit defend themselves from this?

What you are reading here is our only defense. The truth and not being afraid to share it.

That means you gotta be comfortable with the truth. When I first woke up from all this I was very NOT comfortable with the truth. Ive worked incredibly hard to get myself comfortable with it. To be ready for whatever further smear may be coming my way.

But again I didn’t create this situation. I’m simply responding to it.

I’m actually a person who enjoys privacy and if you know me in real life I’d appreciate this not being a discussion unless I bring it up to you. You need to comment on this then that’s what the comment section is for. Otherwise let’s just treat each other with mutual respect.

Also keep in my mind. My family life got destroyed officially a half year ago. And was always just what it was before that.

What was my silence protecting accept the functionality of a personality disorder. Under the disorder that’s ravaged my family is people who if they could find their way to the truth could be helped forgiven and saved.

I found my way to the truth.

You wanna see what that looks like. Go back six months or so on my insta and look at selfies from then to now.

The main difference is six months ago I let myself know or could no longer not know the truth. Six months ago I let the truth in. It was excruciating but purifying and it keeps purifying me and remains my North Star. The only light in a very dark place that I can follow.

When Chris killed himself I realized that people are struggling everywhere and that I can no longer in good conscience hold back the gifts and avenues of my hard one struggle to survive over the last year.

People are fragile and we all need hope and help and brave voices to shine a light on the truth. I need to tell my story of recovery. I’ve written piles of stuff that I’ve held back and I shouldn’t any longer. I know it will help.

At least me be able to own the losses in my life with out the added hell of secrecy about them.

The all or the nothing.

It’s always. All or nothing. These are the terms. Their terms.

And the sad fact of no contact.

What is it?

What happens?

Just who stepped away from who?

When you wake up from a game you didn’t know you were playing which involves your heart and soul and the deepest most primal levels. The devastation you feel is total. Like some divine size circus clown hand Grenade hammer breaking your existence all the way open. The bleak rage. The isolation. The ostrich is nation. The last lonely station with train broken only way is meditation. And your heart break rage towards the ultimate betrayal which is bottomless in its extremely personal so personal it becomes all the way impersonal and then you realize you are only dealing with energies and people inability to show up for themselves and so then remain unable to show up for anyone else. And how many of us really show up for ourselves? I’ve started to recently and difference is astounding. I understand what stopped me from taking these personal measures before so I don’t regret the past really but it’s hard to not wish I’d done this years ago. But really that’s just something I think I should say. I actually am glad to experience all this just as I am. It’s hard to believe how blind I was and how blind we always might still be. If anything it’s just taught me to view the nature of reality different. Or else just embrace a more vivid and detailed picture of it and the nature and motivations of the human animal. A strange creature to be sure. A history of violence so extreme, how one could be shocked to find out people might be exploring and employing violence on a covert psychological level is amusing to me now but then I was dumbfounded. Dumbstruck. Caught silly and off guard. Psychotic and dumb. Still kinda cute. Haha. Not really.

No contact

That’s where I’ve been. It’s home sweet home. How to explain that? How to send that card around at the holdidays. Hey y’all merry Christmas from me and no contact. Who would choose that? Ask yourself that. It’s so radical. So outside the box of anything I could have imagined would ever be my reality but there it was. It would take a few chapters to unpack that story but suffice to say I was given no choice in the matter. No choice if I also wanted to hold onto any semblance of my sanity.

But I won’t live in that secret structure. Your truth untold can become an ugly thing. I’ve got no shame in what’s happened to me and my family. But I won’t be silent and terrified of this personality disorder any longer. I won’t even frame it as a human. And whatever human it is operating thru is a victim to it as much as anyone it victimizes. So in another way of seeing it. I am speaking the truth for that victim as well. And what good to tell of my family situation?

Well that’s already a “broken” thing so. Silence equals death in that regard.

Whisperings about my mental state (what else explains my absence?) aka smear campaign.

I go on living my life always ashamed of this dark cloud on my existence. A dark cloud I didn’t manifest. But one that was manufactured inside me and all around me by the tireless hands of this disorders abuse.

I don’t speak my truth. I don’t speak my story. I keep my recovery to myself and how it works and it’s ability to inspire others. I keep that submerged. I stay afraid. I get small. I get sick. I go away. I die. I saw it all in a flash. Visions during meditation. That’s one way to go. That way also I protect my abuser. Supposedly. Really all I would be protecting is a personality disorders ability to continue to operate. Make no mistake about. Speaking truth on this to narcs ears is a declaration of war. But I don’t want that energy at all. All I want is my voice. All I need is my voice and my right to speak truth. And regardless of whatever ego spinning camouflage is present coming from my way or theirs the fact is that my voice and my experience is an extension of the universe. Just as your voice is an extension of the very same universe. I’d like to hear other people speak their truth plainly. For me now it’s simply a matter of survival. In all kinds of ways. I’m of course concerned and afraid. It’s radical to express yourself in this world authentically but what a blessing when that becomes all that you must do. Namaste.


ECHOMAZE : 2017-05-27 The Rope A Dope Dance Of Forgiveness

The rope a dope dance of forgiveness.

Or how to coalesce a blossoming interest in Buddha ism and the detachment of forgiveness. The all inclusive ness of that decision and yet remaining protected and even aware of the malicious intent often coming from those of us we hold most dear.

That decision, we in the process of recovery from the narc regime, all must face, is to let our truth come forth or to protect the image of our abuser. To a healthy person, the decision would be obvious. But for those of us raised in this environment, for us to actually know our truth much less speak it, is a kind of miracle.

You wake up into many disagreeable decisions to make. Primarily to rat or not to rat. (And of course rat is a weird word to use but it comes, because ultimately, abuse is criminal so you are forced into that extreme of a narrative, one that wasn’t your fault, your truth or theirs?)

Indeed the narc regime forces you upon healing, to decide this. You either keep yourself and your voice and your truth submerged or else you rat out your abuser. Any victim of abuse is faced with this seemingly no win decision. The win is to speak your truth. The truth as they say will set you free. But the ultimate win is to speak not from a place of vengeance or revenge or anger even, but as a force of universal healing. To further your own healing and inspire others to do the same. To not allow yourself to shrink under the ancient and impersonal strain from the weight of all this, As others inspired you. And even ultimately serve to heal as much as possible your abuser.

Tho they won’t thank you for this. ever. And will never see this but will simply pivot, as they always do, into the victim modality. You will get no congratulations or validation from them whatsoever.

In fact when framed a different way you could say the entire journey of being raised in narc regime is a process of going from the trap of invalidation all the way to the miracle of self validation. For those of you who were raised in environments of love and validation you simply cannot imagine what an entire lifetime of never feeling that could be like. And for those of us who have the matrix like awakening out of this predicament…. well let’s just say, feeling validated in certain way that you never were is an experience I’m not sure they’ve made words for. No way any one would do. Euphoria isn’t rich enough a word to encapsulate it. Tho that would be its overriding quality, not all of which are positive.

To understand why this invalidation is necessary you have to understand to the loose structure a narcs personality and sense of self hinges upon. It’s a thin ,see thru structure , which would be fair to say, cards , are made of tougher stuff. You simply cannot be validated in a narc regime. No one can. Not even the narc. That’s where the invalidation starts which everyone then must reinforce and play along with in this environment of the permanent psychic bully. (Who himself only actually exists in the mind of the narc whose then own creative will demands others to pick up the puppet strings) The stakes of bucking against are understood to be devastating. That belief is reinforced over and over again. To be a child brought up in that kind of bully pulpit you stand no chance of developing much of a self to validate at all. And the process of your invalidation is brought to the forefront ad adnoseum

Running along side that is your survival instinct which kicks in a brutally deep kind of Stockholm syndrome and then so long as the parental units then shift their behavior to something resembling reasonable into the sphere of supposed adult hood. Then the cycle of abuse and denial will continue and continue.

Until someone being abused suddenly wakes up to what is still going on. When I woke up I was nearly dead. I was complicit. And at that point the abuse was coming from my very own “adult” relationships, as well as, unbeknownst to me at the time, my family.

None of this is about me blame shifting (a huge narc tactic) I drove my own life all the way down past the point where many others have died. I did this and bare full responsibility for it. I’m simply speaking my truth now, not as a way of ducking any shame from behaviors of my past but rather to ensure that my past isn’t repeated. and that from here the burden of its “mistakes” are seen only as pathways to wisdom which they almost always are.

My recovery from this is as much about redefining what the word victim actually means and the fact that language as a whole is an area of specific interest to me specifically regarding how this disorder operates. It hides out in the meanings in between other meanings of other words. It does this brilliantly and consistently to the point where it no longer feels like dumb luck but rather structures of diabolically genius design. In the land of language the narcs are winning the spiritual war by a motherfucking landslide and that needs changing.

A whole book could would and should be written just on that but let’s get to some humdingers. The word narcissist itself. What it means to the average stooge on the street. A person who’s a bit full of himself. Right.

But let’s just go to the person who was the most full of himself of all time. Jesus. Jesus was so full of himself that he was no self. Jesus knew he was god. Jesus only wanted to heal and help everyone and knew that he could. Jesus was not a narcissist. A narcissist wants to hurt. Jesus did not want to hurt a fly. But based on that knee jerk def of narc and Jesus would certainly qualify.

Now let’s just go down the lines of other heroic beautiful figures who could also always easily be classified as grandiose etc.

and here in lies the genius level linguistic misdirection the narc regime employs. Which is to take one of its primary symptoms of its disorder to be of the utmost importance when diagnosing the condition when in fact it should only really be classified in THE WILL AND INTENT TO HURT AND DO DAMAGE TO OTHERS. the will and intent to hurt and do damage to others. That’s it.

Not only does it hide out in the word that claims to wrap it up and definE it. That same word could also arguably be used to describe what’s the very best thing about people. Their desire to shine. How can we let this one motherfucking word keep meaning these two wildly WILDLY WILDLY WILDLY DIFFERNT THINGS.

I frankly love it when people make spectacles of themselves. Hallelujah!! Imagine a world with no Miles Davis. No thanks. No Jimi Hendrix. No Brando. No Anne Sexton. No Joan Mitchell (painter) Forget about it.

It’s funny cause to shine in that kind of way is really outside a narcs grasp. I like the word narc. Kinda like narcs for Satan. That’s what they are. Devils narcs.

So no

that grandiose thing. ….Keep that coming. It’s the trying to destroy others part that most interests me. Can we not confuse those very two different issues. (That’s on purpose) Can we keep those lines unblurred for a moment?

The desire. The need. To hurt others.


That’s what this is.

THE NEED TO HURT OTHERS AS A MEANS OF CONTROL. that’s the condition I’m speaking of. Call it HURTISM

And Call the people that do it.


let’s call this what it is.


it hurts.


They hurt.

People can be huge grandiose personalities who desire fame and power and fortune and there is nothing wrong with that. I want all those things. But I want them to inspire others and to use those resources to help others. And also to live large and have fun. But never to harm. Never to sabotage. Narcs want to harm and sabotage and that is pretty much all they want. They don’t even want it. They need it. It’s people who lost themselves and then demand that same kind of self abandonment in others. Narcs can’t validate because they have deeply invalidated themselves to the point of complete self annihilation, at which point they invented a false self, which is really akin to signing a deal with the devil. From that point on you must destroy any authentic expression around you. From yourself or others. Everything becomes a tool of seduction and manipulation including words like love and family.

I made a mistake days ago when comparing my new found ability to tell my truth. To being like three punches. But it’s nothing like that. I’m not coming from a place of aggression but rather from a place where aggression was foisted upon me. And as a peace loving being I am responding to the call. A consider myself a force to be reckoned with and I suppose I wanted that to be understood by my abusers. I reaching for dignity which wasn’t there’s to take so is beyond them to give back. A sign of weakness and something for them to feed on. A snack for the beast as you climb over the wall.

I forgive myself for the mistake. I recognize it and move on. I can even address it here. I don’t need to be perfect. I can contradict myself. These are all new feelings. This level of self acceptance, if ever before displayed, was then being faked, Unbeknown to myself at the time. I’ve always been trying my best. Never living up to my core values and never really believing that was possible until now. And now it’s come not from some great moral fortitude but rather because all other possibilities have been exhausted. tried and failed and because the options left had routed themselves out to almost nothing. I don’t know how much time I had, but going as I was i don’t think I would have survived or wanted to for very long. I was a complete stranger to myself at the end. I didn’t realize I could be as devastated as I was and I hadn’t yet even come close to understanding the level of devastation that was to be.

I don’t want to be a victim. And don’t frame myself as such. However it’s important to own what happened to you and I think to be comfortable owning the fact that you may have been victimized isn’t easy, particularly for men. It’s not seen as manly to say ” hey I was a victim of abuse” but you know what. I think I’m a bad ass for claiming it. Not living in it but rather living thru it to transcend it to help others do the same and use it as a great doorway into not only your own healing but the healing of others and the universe.

It’s important to understand where you are before you can get to where you’re going. I woke up from this like many before and many to come. Victimized. But I can honestly say I’m grateful for all the beings in my life. And I love them all. Truly I do. I forgive them all. Because I know they were only operating out of their programming. My comfort with the truth comes from this place of ultimate forgiveness. I know what my intentions are. They are to help and to heal myself and others. That is all.




ECHOMAZE : 2017-05-26 The Mistake Is The Seed

The mistake is the seed

Let me share the joy. I want to write about this journey not as a diatribe of pain. Or a listing of horrors. All of which are ancient and impersonal.

Until one liberates himself from too much pain. Or sheer luck. Or getting under a couple hits of acid. Or finding Jesus. Or however it can come to be that you may wake up.

That could only be called grace.

No matter how it came gift wrapped. And with its burden in tow.

The mistake is the seed.

Uncover your need

Bleed when you bleed

Ignore all their greed

The mistake is the seed.

I’ve made so many. And how have I been allowed to recover from some of them? Some were bad. Some I stared down death giving zero fucks. Not saying that to be anti heroic but just for context. The mistakes tho… lead you to your path if you allow them too. Pain is always an invitation into solitude. And then a pathway to your truth can be discovered and communication/ communion with a higher voice can be tapped into. Tuned into. Heard between breaks in the silence. Where silence and space were at one time terrible beasts you’d never dare encounter. Now not only are they your best friends. They’re (for a time) your only friends and so you leap into them often and readily and as a result you begin to listen and take very good care of yourself.

Which brings me to what I wanted to write about. The gift of recovery. Ready for it. It’s a doozy. It’s a shocker. It’s a big deal. It’s….

Taking care of yourself.

That’s it.?

Taking care of yourself.

I can hear some of you say….”that’s it?” I’m afraid so.

That’s it. But for some of us, tho it’s a simple idea, the execution of it has been anything but. We’ve walked thru an entire lifetime hardwired and then encouraged (by various forces both external and of our own making, which tend to be the same thing)

to NOT take care of ourselves.

And by taking care of yourself I don’t just mean eating right and cutting down on the smokes. What I mean is allowing your voice to shine. Allowing yourself to be seen and recognized. Not silencing yourself and your dreams for fear of what others may think. Finally understanding that to express yourself openly and freely is to honor and respect the divine within. And to fail to do that is to dishonor the divine. To make your life smaller. More rooted in fear. And ultimately the diseases that fear brings. Your ideas and inspirations are whispered from the higher aspects of you. To silence them and to judge them and to condemn them is to silence and judge and condemn God. He’ll forgive you but you won’t be allowing him to fully manifest within you. Your life will become smaller and more limited and even tho it will be YOU punishing YOURSELF by listening to fear. It will feel like a punishment coming from a source more powerful than you because indeed you will have given your power over to such a force. THAT FORCE IS CALLED FEAR. Use the force don’t surrender your power to it.

And on another level, it’s great fun to take care of yourself. I’m going at it like a man/bitch possessed. And it feels like a beast has been let out of a cage at long last. So hungry he was to really thrive physically but somehow always held back from really feeling and seeing what that would be. But no more. This is great benefit of recovery. Don’t be afraid to shine. Don’t be afraid to shine. Don’t be afraid to shine.

It’s a simple almost cliche statement but to actually execute it for a normal person is something extraordinary but for those of us programmed to destruct. Getting to the place to be able to shine and at the same time not be absolutely consumed by terror is something of a miracle or grace.

I love taking care of myself. I let myself have days now of just juicing and meditating and watching or reading inspiring things. Going out for light exercise and breathing work. I would have rolled my eyes at the hippie who would have said what I just did if I hadn’t gone thru my whole life burning to the ground to actually get there. I wonder if there is any other way? Somehow I don’t think so. Regardless this has been my way and I’d like to share my inspiration to have a positive day with you.



ECHOMAZE : 2017-05-21 The Illusion Of Codependency

You think I don’t know about the war I’m in. You’re wrong.

I finally know some of the rules. And only some. It’s like you decided to play chess with someone without telling them the rules or that there was even pieces and board at all. And then you deemed yourself superior for outsmarting someone you were profoundly sabatoging and straight up pathologically lying to the entire time. And in the end they are responsible for taking the heat of most of the affair under the moniker “ codependency “ which is at best a general term that faults people for being too giving, too forgiving, too empathetic, too trusting, taking people at their word and being too self sacrificing. When these mostly decent attributes only reveals any kind of sickness in the environment of toxic predators, who look for these qualities and are (I will give them this) adept at manipulating and taken advantage and in the long term using these qualities against the victim. It’s true one could say (and I’m sure the narcs think or use as justification for their abuse) that no one is really selflessly magnanimous. In their view any generosity of spirit can be explained away to the vortex of need and greed. To them people are never motivated to take care of others outside of what that does for the person whose supposedly coming from a charitable place. They have cut themselves off from the light so entirely and permanently that for them it’s impossible to see anything like true generosity for what it is.

However , It makes people who aren’t personality disordered feel good when they help others and why shouldn’t it? If a person is in relatively good emotional health then it’s as natural as sleeping, eating, fucking or standing to lend a hand of generosity and support. The entire twelve step movement revolves around the twelfth step, which is essentially all about being of service. And the twelve step movement doesn’t exactly shy away from the knowledge that it’s by being of service that our esteem builds to the point where self destruction no longer makes sense. It’s why the twelve step movement continues to be a great force to this day. It’s based on simple yet profound humanity and logic. Basically be a cool morherfucker and then you’ll have a cool motherfucking life. It’s as basic as one plus one equals two.

Is it true that on planet earth one who is this trusting should not be. Unfortunately yes it is. But that shouldn’t be a way of turning healthy traits into sick ones. Or redefining the ultimate value of mental health against the sickest of our society, which in my view narcissists are. In fact both words “narcissist” and “codependent” are ill equipped to really frame the reality of the behavior involved. This move to make them equal parts of this disfunction is a wrong headed form of victim shaming.

In a made for TV movie about rape, It’s always the show stopping scene when the evil lawyer who is defending the rapist goes in on the victim about her personal behavior. She was wearing a tight skirt. She perhaps had slept around. She was drunk that night. And on and on the attorney badgers until she breaks down sobbing and we in the audience are meant to feel outrage at this misaligned view and perversion of justice. Where yes, the victim may be free and easy, she may have been drunk, she may dress provactively but as a culture we are supposed to understand that these behaviors (tho they may be controversial to some) do not justify a person being raped, and any attempt to make them feel guilty for being a victim is seen as a form of abuse that’s known to be redamaging and in and of itself quite traumatic.

However pivot that same view to the case of narc abuse and what you get is a society built to do just that. It’s a town you’re invited into when you wake up from this form of abuse and over looking the entryway on it is a big sign called CODEPENDENCY. Which, ironically enough, is a way for society at large to emulate the victims of this crime by bearing the responsibility of the abuse for the abuser. One could say the entire universe of codependency is intrinsically codependent. It can’t be any other way. It’s only reason of being is to justify and make some semblance of sense into the horrors of narcissism and it’s abuse. Codependency essentially outlines traits which are narcissisms oppisite and then rates them as pathological in as much as one can be victimized by these predators. But why should we allow their sick and dramatically deranged viewpoint be what we hinge supposedly normal behavior across ? We need to route out the despicable ones and celebrate our desire to be “too generous, too giving, too concerned. I want to live in a world where those quality are rewarded and celebrated. Not made to feel like a sickness.

We all have our issues. To be human is to have issues. Yes we all need to find and maintain boundaries, but amongst healthy beings there is no problem here. Everything finds its balance naturally. Some are more giving. Some are less. No big deal. It’s only when you introduce the concept of a predator who is pathologically lying, motivated entirely to bring you down, hopefully by your own hand, as they deceive you thru well studied and tried and true manipulation tactics and mind control stunts, who zero in on the most trusting, most giving, most romantic sorts and play them for everything they’re worth, as they smear them and encourage them openly and covertly to destroy themselves.

So yes then suddenly we have a condition called codependency. And we chastise the victims of this abuse for being too trusting and too open.

You might say. Too needy!!

But we need each other. There is nothing wrong with that. It’s natural and right to want and try and find true partnership and love. What could be more right than seeking that out?

As I said we all have issues and for some the need can easily be seen as pathological in and of itself. But my point is that that is the exception to the rule. Narcs take good people and fuck them up so bad that they don’t know their ass from a hole in the wall. At that point they are so are broken and so violated on such a core level, broken at the center, entirely broken. Your structure gone.

Imagine Rocky at his most beat up and multiply that a few hundred times, super impose that visual to your insides and you’re getting close to seeing how the beginning stages of recovery from this abuse feels and unfolds. It is extreme. Infact after this you really become fearless in a way that boarders on cartoon superhero.

So from that point you’ll latch on to any explanation of events like a man four days in a desert would a drop of water. Especially one that gives you even a smige of your power back. You were codependent. That’s the reason. That explains it.

But that’s not it.

You were a victim of a predator. And most likely a pack of predators from childhood on. That’s the way this shit usually goes. And in that you could say “ ah see there it is! You were a victim of this in childhood so therefore you sought it out! Well…

I’m sure that’s in some ways true for many. But there again the disgusting behavior was there at the beginning. The disgusting behavior comes from narcissists.

Codependency as a concept

Is not entirely unhelpful in the early stages of recovery. After a time of realizing you’ve been a victim of this crime, it can be benifical and empowering to see how your need interfered with your judgement. Times you went against your gut. How you started doing that more and more. And yes it’s helpful to see weaknesses in your character or ways in which you could be more authentic and demand that from others. But frame that stuff against the pillowy reality of a world full of essentially good natured and magnamous people and the concept of codependency starts to fall away like nothing at all.

We all have needs to fill. We all come somewhat needy and hopefully we all come with at least as much or more to give.

Personally I had assumed people framed reality this way. I’ve learned the hard way that this is far from true. It’s a disgusting yet an oddly ecstatic realization. But I want to keep being. Too trusting. Too magnanimous. Too empathetic. Too generous. And I want the rest of the world to fall up to that level. The victims of this crime aren’t the real sick ones. That’s the point. That’s the main point.


2008-03-12 - One On One Session, Austin

Joseph Arthur sits down for a One On One session in Austin, TX on March 12th, 2008.

audio and video by: Ehud Lazin
King Of The Pavement
Venus In Furs (Velvet Underground cover)
Smile That Explodes
Morning Cup
Rages Of Babylon